The Log
by Shark8
Summary: One ninja tells another that a log could be a better ninja. Warning: Silly.


**The Log  
**

* * *

The two stood staring at each other across a span of street. Their eyes conveyed a depth of emotion that, had there been anyone passing by, one could not but help to feel the weight and tension of the two: they were friends, of a sort, and rivals, too.

"I did pretty good." One said, breaking the silence, the only emotion in his vioce being a hint of pride.

"Hah." The one said, giving a single chuckle, it was impossible to say if it was sarcastic or merely derisive given how little emotion carried in his voice or on his face, "A log could have done better than you."

It was the first's turn to give a single chuckle, followed by an almost dismissive "Oh, really?"

"Yes." The other said, simply, flatly. Then, faster than the first could react, the genjutsu started, slipping into place and altering reality.

* * *

It was morning, and the scene was one that was well known: the ninja academy. All the rookies were there so it was safe to surmise that the genjutsu had placed him back at the beginning of his career as a ninja. It was then that Iruka, the Chunin-teacher he's had for that last year in the academy, strode into the room and explained that they were now Genin, the lowest rank of ninja, going to be split into three man teams.

The team assignments went as expected. Team 7 consisting of Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke. Naruto was, of course, wearing his orange outfit and simultaneously elated and dispirited at having Sakura and Sasuke as teammates, respectively. Sakura was much the same, happy about being with Sasuke and demoralized with the prospect of having to deal with the annoyance that was Naruto Uzumaki. Sasuke however looked positively wooden.

The reason might have been that underneath the defiantly black hair was a log, to be more accurate it was a log that had a wig stapled to the top. The log was, however, obviously an Uchiha: the high collared blue shirt with the fan on the back proclaimed it so.

The wait for their new teacher, the Jounin known as Copy Ninja Kakashi, was much as remembered: tedious, tedious and boring.

After that though came the introductions, which were also boring. One wanted to become the Hokage, one gust stuttered and looked at Sasuke, and Sasuke… Sasuke was silently brooding, and like the ultimate ninja, impossible to read. Kakashi was thrilled to have such an interesting mix of students: one ridiculously ambitious, one incredibly infatuated, and one of a sturdy-minded countenance.

Then came the announcement of the Jounin's test, and their instructions to meet for training on the following day.

• • • • • • • • • • •

Bright and early the sun rose on the training-field to reveal the three people of Team 7. Naruto and Sakura in particular looked like they had stayed up too late and were unaccustomed to waking early, while Sasuke stood in the middle of the training-ground wooden and impassive.

Hours later Kakashi appeared and explained the test to them, how they had to snatch bells from him and how the penalty for failure was both no lunch, and to be sent back to the academy. Naruto, being impatient, attacked him before he'd started the test, earning a special lecture.

Then he started the test and Sakura rushed into hiding. Naruto and Sasuke both stood in the middle of the field staring down a Kakashi that looked totally uninterested, this was of course reinforced when he took a book out and started reading it.

Naruto thought that it'd be excellent to attack while the Jounin was distracted by his reading and rushed his new teacher. It was useless, of course, as Kakashi blocked all the attacks with one hand, finally flinging him into the nearby river.

He then turned his attention to Sasuke, who hadn't moved from his position. The stare was too much, full of unspoken challenge, and Kakashi knew then that he had to beat his new student in order to gain his respect. He moved forward, intent on applying a Taijutsu attitude-correction when the instant before his fist connected there was the distinct poof of smoke from the use of ninjutsu and suddenly a wet Naruto was standing in his place.

Kawarimi? With a teammate? How unorthodox… and either a heroic-sacrifice or a really dick move.

The training ended, as expected: with Naruto tied up… but unexpectedly the log he was tied to was Sasuke. The two were tied together to try to make them realize that teamwork was required, but so far the two were only arguing.

"You jerk! Why didn't you try to get the bells while I had him distracted!" Naruto shouted as well as he could at the teammate tied to his back.

Sasuke was silent as ever, as if the Uchiha were above such petty things as arguing with teammates or untouched by things in the mortal world.

"Why don't you say something!" Naruto yelled, jumping up and down trying to get the silent teammate to talk.

"Fine, if that's the way you're going to be!" Naruto strained his muscles, wriggling and squirming to get his arm free, or at least free enough… to pull out a kunai from his hip-holster, and cut the ropes binding them together.

Finally free, the blond ninja turned on his stubborn teammate, pointing a finger in his face. "Why you, I ought to…"

He never finished his sentence because he dashed forward, grabbed Sasuke, and threw him at Kakashi. Kakashi ducked, of course, though he was surprised at the heft Naruto had put into the throw. Too bad he ducked into the oncoming punch from Naruto, a good uppercut, hooking under the flack-vest and connecting solidly with Kakashi's diaphram, it left him sucking wind.

Naruto grabbed at the bells and triumphantly held them over his head. "Come on Sakura, you don't want to fail do you? Here's a bell!"

After regaining his breath Kakashi assessed his students. Naruto was excitedly dancing in-place with a bell, Sakura was holding the other bell in her hands… and Sasuke stood impassively right next to them… a bandage wrapped around where he'd ungraciously landed after Naruto had thrown him, obviously Sakura's work.

"Well, I see you've decided that you don't want lunch!" Kakashi said, trying to get a reaction from the silent Sasuke… "but aren't you afraid I'll fail you back to the academy?"

The log stood there, staring blankly int space.

"I see. I see. You've got enough energy that you don't need lunch." Kakashi stood silent for a moment, "Well, I guess you pass."

The other two ninja stared at Kakashi in wonder, how could that be? "You all worked so well together; the two of you came up with a good distraction plan using your weaknesses as a strength, even protecting the girl from harm."

Sakura glared at him, it was true that kunoichi couldn't normally hit hard, and couldn't run as long or fast as male ninja… but that didn't mean that they were useless, they were better at poisoning and draining wallets and getting information.

* * *

The genjutsu lifted and the two rivals stood staring at each other, the one impassive and the other slightly gasping from the shock of the genjutsu's removal.

"See, I told you a log could be a better ninja than you."

"Ha. That was so long ago… I've grown a lot since then."

"Well, if you insist – let's take a look at your first big mission."

* * *

Team seven strode out of Konoha, the gates wide open and the road long before them, the only people on the road. Naruto was excited to finally be outside the town, Sakura was rather nervous about running into bandits, and Sasuke… well, Sasuke looked like he was rather indifferent about everything… at least that was constant. She'd look up and there he was, silent, brooding, dark, still, and above all mysterious. How was he able to move so quickly and quietly? As she kept her eyes on him he stayed perfectly still on the side of the road, but when she broke her gaze and looked ahead there he was.

They passed a puddle of water and suddenly two ninja burst up from it… they killed Kakashi instantly, and then were on their way to slaughter a Naruto who had been stunned into motionlessness… only for the poof of smoke to appear and envelop the orange-clad ninja and then Sasuke was there!

'No, he couldn't intend to sacrifice himself!' Sakura thought, madly trying to think of a way to save him.

There was another poof of smoke as the one ninja's Shuriken-chain was enwrapping Sasuke… and as the chain began to tighten the other Ninja was in his place, being killed by his comrade.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" the first one screamed, rushing to the one he'd just wounded.

"I'm a goner, Jim." The other said, coughing up blood, "Tell Kim… I wasn't killed by a log."

"Tim!" Jim yelled, shaking his dead friend, before his vioce cracked in a manly sob, "I'll tell her it was a boulder… just don't let go, don't die!"

The ninja was shocked into silence when a hand clasped his shoulder and a voice spoke, "It's too late… he's dead, Jim."

Sakura jumped, that voice, it was Kakashi! But how? She looked back toward the puddle and saw the remains of a log and some tattered clothing.

* * *

"Now that's just ridiculous!" the one said, nearly shouting in his indignation.

"So are you. That's why a log can do better than you could."

"…"

"Now, let's get back to the story… I mean genjutsu."

* * *

The team was in a boat, being rowed by an old string-bean of a man… they were finally entering the Country of Waves, and their bridge-builder was still unharmed.

They exited the boat, after they'd reached the shore, and began to travel in the direction that their client indicated, saying his house wasn't too far away.

It was then that they were ambushed. Ambushed by a man with no eyebrows, and who had a cow fetish, considering his leggings and arm-warmers were patterned after a black-and-white Jersey cow… the horns and ears stuck to his metal helmet, along with the cowbell around his neck, might have done something to give them that idea.

"You're between me and my target, I think you'd better **moo**ve." the cow-ninja said, raising a giant sword in their direction.

"We can't do that." Kakashi said calmly, then addressed the new ninja, "he's too strong for you, protect Tazuna while I deal with him."

"Hm, you sound pretty confident… Kakashi the **Cow**py Ninja." the cow-obsessed ninja observed.

"I should be, I'm going to use my second best feature to defeat you." Kakashi replied, raising a hand to the forehead-protector that covered one of his eyes.

"Oh, what's your best feature?" the cow-man asked, deforming his forehead… it would have been raising an eyebrow, but he didn't have eyebrows.

"My winning smile and sense of humor, of course!" Kakashi replied, eye indicating he was smiling under the mask that obscured all of his face below his nose. The smile dropped and he stared intently at the other ninja, continuing in a deadly serious tone "My second-best feature is why they call me Copy Ninja."

The other ninja chuckled, "Yes, I've heard about your Sharingan, Kakashi."

"Then you should be honored that I'm taking you seriously enough to show you on our first encounter. I have to warn you though… none of my enemies have seen it twice."

"So, you know who I am?" The ridiculously clothed ninja asked.

"Yes," Kakashi answered, "Zabuza Momochi: The Milkman of Mist-Village."

* * *

"Ok, what does this have to do with a log being a better ninja than me? It's just Kakashi and Zabuza."

"Fine then, we'll skip to your Chunin exam."

"Oh, yay."

* * *

Kakashi's Team 7 pushed their way toward the door where a couple of ninja were barring the way. There were pleas from multiple people to let them pass, one of them pushing a kid in a green jumpsuit to the ground.

"Like we said, we're not letting any weaklings through." one of the ninja said.

Naruto shouted "Hey, I'm not weak!" at the ninja while Sakura evaluated the ninja stuck crowding the hall and Sasuke was impassive as ever.

"Let me through!" Naruto yelled, about to charge the two at the doors and plow his way through.

"Naruto…" Sakura said, grabbing hold of his shoulder and turning him toward her, "I think we should go find a different way in."

Naruto looked around, left and right, seeing nothing to indicate they shouldn't just march right on through asked"Why?"

"Because…" Sakura lowered her voice to answer, "it's a genjutsu, that's the wrong room."

Naruto rubbed his chin thoughtfully, could it be that Sasuke hadn't seen it? The genius of the Uchiha was slipping! Naruto burst into laughter, pointing at Sasuke. "I bet you didn't even know about the genjutsu!"

Sakura sighed, Naruto was completely oblivious to the fact that he hadn't seen it either.

"Well, let's go find the right room." Sakura said to Naruto, half dragging him away from the two ninja glaring daggers at him for giving the secret away to all the chunin-candidates.

They hadn't gone far when the green-jumpsuited boy from earlier stepped into view and said "Wait."

He stared intently at Team 7 for a few moments before pointing at Sakura and declaring "I will win your heart!"

Sakura involuntarily imagined the boy and his bushy eyebrows in a romantic setting, leaning forward for a kiss… she shuddered, screaming "No!"

"Then I, Rock Lee, will beat Uchiha," the boy said, pointing toward the silent member of their team.

"Hey, what about me!" Naruto yelled, leaping forward "Fight me first!"

Lee calmly reached into the air and, grabbing Naruto's arm, turned, swinging him back toward Sasuke. Boy and log collided, sending the log airborne, ricocheting off the far wall and back at the green-jumpsuited boy.

Lee looked surprised to see Sasuke flying at him, the form and trajectory were perfect; Sasuke was indeed worthy of being called a genius.

Lee brought his hands up in a block and Sasuke bounced off them into a roll across the floor… just avoiding the heel-kicks Lee was mercilessly raining down.

"Come on you coward, let me hit you!" Lee grunted out in frustration, before finally landing a sweeping kick that launched the log into the air again.

The two met again, Lee raining down blows so quickly that neither Sakura nor Naruto could count how many he was landing, but by Sasuke's stoic expression he was unharmed… so he must have been blocking them all.

Lee panted with the effort; his opponent was good. He responded to attacks by moving away from them, and he used the walls and ceiling to rebound and alter his vector of attack… furthermore, he was tough. Really tough, like the post in the training area that Lee had claimed as his own, punching and kicking it so often that the wear was visible. Lee didn't know what he could do, using his normal taijutsu, to break through the defenses the Uchiha was displaying.

"I'm sorry Guy-sensei." Lee said, easing up from his attack and finally stopping to undo the bandages wrapping his arms, "but to prove that hard-work can overcome genus I must use that forbidden move."

Lee waited until Sasuke had almost stopped moving, it had seemed like he had an inexhaustible suply of energy when Lee was attacking him, but now he looked to be slowing down… hopefully that meant that he was getting tired.

Lee dug down deep, to the flames of youth, and rushed into his attack as fast as he could, dropping down at the last second to kick his target into the air. He jumped, matching the other's speed and arc, throwing his arms out and letting the bandages entangle Sasuke.

Naruto and Sakura watched dumbfounded as the flaming aura engulfed Lee and the strange boy launched his attack on Sasuke… only to be dumbfounded when a pinwheel appeared in the wall, pinning one of Lee's bandages there.

Unfortunately for Lee, he was already spinning, so the bandage caught and pinned like that caused the loose cloth to suddenly tighten, creating a lot of friction and catching fire.

"The fire of youth; it burns! It burns!" Lee said, frantically trying to put the fire out.

"What did I tell you about that move!?" a new, and adult, voice boomed drawing everyone's attention to the speaker. There, sitting on a turtle, was a man who looked like the older mirror image of the bowl-haired, green-jumpsuit wearing, fuzzy-eyebrowed Lee.

"That it's forbidden unless I'm protecting something important." Lee said in a small voice, much like a small child who knows they're in trouble.

"As a punishment you will run 50 laps around the village." the older one declared.

Lee's eyes suddenly welled with tears, "But, but, but sensei… if I do that I'll miss the exams!"

"I didn't say right now; do the laps after you finish your exams!" The strange man said, disappearing in a poof of smoke.

Turning around, Lee spotted Sasuke and bowed. "Thank you for the fight, I will have to consider how you were able to resist me so well."

• • • • • • • • • • •

Sakura stood frozen as the foreign ninja released a burst of killing intent so strong that it froze her with terror and nearly made her pass out.

"You are my prey." The other said, chuckling as stepped forward, drawing forth a pair of kunai, "don't worry though, I'll make it quick."

As the kunai left the hand of the foreign shinobi, Sasuke the log fell over, smashing Sakura's toe, causing her to jump back just in time to avoid being hit by the kunai. She tripped over a root and kicked out, hitting the log and sending it rolling toward the grass-nin.

The look of surprise on the pasty-white face was nearly as surprising as the sudden relief as the killing-intent ceased.

"I see." the grass-nin chuckled, "you are completely unaffected by my power, you are an impressive individual indeed."

The log rolled to a stop in front of him. Glaring as only the inanimate can do, and filling the invader with a sense of excitement he'd not felt in years.

"I am Orochimaru, and I will test you now, Sasuke." The other said jumping back onto a thick, yet low-hanging branch.

Orochimaru lunged forward, his body elongating, seeking to entangle the Uchiha. To his surprise, the Uchiha didn't even move, but he wasn't afraid… it was as if he had solid confidence in himself and his abilities.

As Orochimaru squeezed the seemingly unresisting log there was a pop of bone dislocating followed an instant later by a wail of pain. Orchamaru released the jutsu returning to his normal form, hand and arm twisted around to his back, "my back, my back! How could you have known…"

Orochimaru looked at the Triumphant Tree through the tears in his eyes, only a powerful Sharingan could tell at such a glance that Orochimaru's weak back would be his Achilles's Heel. From just the muscle tensions in his body… Sasuke's Sharingan must be the most powerful in all of history!

Orochimaru shook his head, clearing the pain away as best as he could, he concentrated his chakra in a similar manner and his neck elongated swinging his head forward… he would mark the boy. He would mark him for his own. He would return, after a visit to the chiropractor, and when he did Sasuke Uchiha would be his!

Orochimaru sunk his teeth into the log, feeling them penetrate the bark, down into the soft green parts… and then he was stuck.

No! How could this be? How could a mere Genin manage to trap one of the legendary Sannin? It was impossible, and yet here he was trapped by his fang in Konoha's Forest of Death.

Sasuke held Orichamaru there like that until Anko arrived, and she applied several different types of incapacitation jutsu to capture the snake-man, but he'd been exhausted trying to free himself, and only succeeding in further injuring his back.

• • • • • • • • • • •

The whole ninja population had turned out to see the ceremony honoring young Sasuke Uchiha; the one who had defeated Orochimaru by cleverly exploiting his weaknesses. He was truly a hero for the entire village, bringing to justice one of the most terrible – and powerful – enemies that Konoha had.

* * *

"Ok, a log beating Orochimaru?" one scoffed, "That's absurd! Besides, people aren't that gullible."

The other waved the first closer, and when he came within arm's reach raised his hand slowly. The first knew what was coming, yet he was powerless to stop the poke of the first two fingers into his forehead.

"Just like you learn to avoid that, foolish brother?" the other said, smirking.

* * *

**Author's Notes:  
**Yeah, I was feeling like writing something a little silly... and couldn't get the "even a log would be a better ninja than you" line out of my head.


End file.
